Tag Archives: humor

The Tipping

[The below article is a random rant and is to be taken in a lighter vein]

Tips – The bribe we pay the waiter to not spit in our food.

Tipping is an interesting phenomenon. I’m very much curious to know how it all started. I mean, look at it. You need something. A person gives it to you. You pay the price of the thing to him. Then you pay him extra money for ‘giving’ it to him. The way we tip waiters, if it was not for hotel business, for any other profession it would amount to corruption.

“How much did that bald guy tip you?” “Let’s say I’d have a running nose the next time he comes”

Why should I pay you extra money? You did not prepare the food. Nor did you dress-up the food. It was already kept in kitchen you just carried it! We ourselves would’ve brought it, if it was not for the ‘No admission without permission’ board hung at its entrance. The intention of hanging it is to provide employment to you. The only thing you could be credited to is that you did not adulterate it.

“Can I have your order?” Yeah. If you could just stop fake smiling!

Also, what skill does it take? Oh I know you’d say “I have the menu at the tip of my tongue. I greet my customers with a contagious smile”. Really? Anyone who visits a hotel for a week would describe it’s menu along with each of its item’s taste and odor. Don’t get me started with the smile. Each muscle of the smile would be gauging the customer, “How much could this miser shell out?”. In this matter I would say, I would prefer dining a bad food with un-expecting face than a good food with a simper.

I would like to pay some money if I was convinced of even an iota of hard work displayed. But I see none. Holding a plate in hand, dividing food between friends and opening a bottle do not amount to work. I would consider them to be work if I’d done them at my home. I would be happy to tip the cleaning staff though, who actually clean up your mess and get much lower wages.

Come on. Get real. Don’t expect tips for your ‘hardwork’!

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The Rage

Rage – The emotion an employee displays when the employer says, he pays them well.

Have you ever felt raged?

Does your adrenaline rush throughout your body when you hear something unpleasant about your favorite political party, actor or team?

Do you feel it’s your moral responsibility to counter and dispel all the misconceptions people have and educate them of the absolute truth that you’ve access to?

Are you convinced that attacking is the best form of defense?

 

Hey stupid buffalo! Can’t you hear my honk?

Well, my friend you’re just normal. We’ve evolved from Stone Age, Iron Age so on and finally stepped into the Rage Age. Here, one constantly keeps searching for things to rage about in one’s daily life. Be it roads, air, food or anything. Literally anything. Although people, especially popular personalities form the favorite subjects many settle for even lesser mortal things. Gone are the ages when the wise used to say “There’s no black and white. All are shades of grey”. Not now! Everything today is either saffron or green. Nothing in between. This mutually exclusive favoritism is the fundamental postulate of the Rage Age.

During years of Indian independence or even before, scholars spent decades together to understand delicate intricacies of political, social and economic concepts. With the advent of Rage Age, men were also bestowed with this unique ‘Brahmagnyan’ which equips each one of us with the entire knowledge of the universe. This usually comes via a direct channel from God called the Internet. Just like God, how much you believe in this ‘gnyan’ is totally dependent on the unfathomable faith you have and India is known to be a land of theists. So, you can’t find anyone who’s not an expert. Everyone is. The only difference between two individuals is just how religious and rational one is.

Although knowledge or facts per se are available to all, it’s the opinion or the conclusion you draw out of it is what makes you a brand ambassador of the ‘truth’ you hold fast to. Long ago, opinions were the commodities of the intellectuals. A layman would feel ineligible to comment about any high-sounding topic due to his modest roots and ignorance.  We’ve bid adieu to this discrimination now. The basic principle on which our Age is thriving is, “Anyone can have opinions”. This has allowed us to discuss about things ranging from NASA’s curiosity to the solution to Kashmir problem. This freedom to talk bullshit about any random thing has given us a new found confidence. We no longer argue with each other about petty mundane things, we argue about bigger national and international problems.

In this Rage Age, many Masters have devised tools which make sure you can never lose an argument. Frankly, arguments are the mirrors to our personality. No matter if it’s the one you’ve concluded after thorough analysis or just a borrowed one. Here are some precious pointers to win any random argument. The trick lies in posing it at the right point in the argument.

“Why doing this now? Where were you when so and so happened?”

“How was it right then and wrong now? Your argument is totally motivated”

“You’ve been brain-washed! Come out of your illusion. Do you even know what the truth is?”

*Show some random survey or paper which is in line with your argument. If there’s none, create one*

“I’m free to opine. Who gave you the authority to ridicule mine?”

“Half-truths are the most dangerous my friend”

There’s no dearth of them. It only requires willingness on both sides to ensure the argument never reaches a logical conclusion, which is good. It gives more room for arguments and hence more communication and bonding between each other in this age of vacantly looking at LCD screens.

Did you have your dose of rage today?

In conclusion, I think in our tightly packed schedule of routine activities we hardly find time for anything. There no scope to express our irritation. This might have led to the birth of the Rage Age. So, don’t hold on! Follow what is the norm.

Go, vent out your rage today!

An unexpected encounter with an enemy

“Who are you?”

“Where did you come from?”

“Where are you going?”

These existential questions always make a guest appearance in the theatre of my mind whenever something unpleasant happens. Philosophy is such a nice subject devised by our ancestors to hide ourselves from our incapabilities and stupidities. But this time a heard a frail voice which actually attempted to answer it. It said,

“I come from BTM layout and I’m going to Jalahalli”

I was stunned and ran all the cores of my brain at full capacity to reason out the new-found knowledge and Voila!!, I had once again dozed off in the bus. I gave a glancing look at my fellow passenger who had answered the eternal question posed by conductor Krishnappa. Glancing is an art. Its a special skill which I’ve acquired over years of hard work and failures. The look has to float indistinctly all around the crowd, yet noticing each of them to the fullest details possible. You need to fake it as though you are relaxing the muscles of your neck or looking for some other bus behind.

Coming back to the stranger, the face looked familiar. He fell into those group of people about whom you don’t know enough to start a conversation with, but you know enough to keep you restless over who it is. I don’t know how our brain classifies our contacts. With so many centuries of our socialising;with evolution and stuff, our brain has to have a good maintenance scheme to handle such situation. Instead, it comes up with a crappy solution like having a visiting card with a blurred, unrecognisable photograph with the name, profession etc written in Chinese, which I can’t read. I yell at the creator,

“What are the developers up there doing? When are you upgrading us to the next version?”

Whoever said ‘curiosity kills’ was probably right. Now I had to ask about him, which would appear too pushy and over-interested-in- others-affairs kind of person, which I’m not! The better option would be to majestically overlook him, yet try to investigate about his identity without him noticing. I had always liked the way Sherlock does it. I said, this one was for me and I was at it in full swing!

He appears frail, unattractive as his voice but is well dressed. I could not smell the perfume or deo. He’s not that rich or is allergic to good-smelling things. But I could smell Navaratna tel, so an ardent uppi or govinda fan. Doesn’t have an earphone plugged in his ears nor any song playing in speaker mode. So, not a music lover or audio port of his phone has gone wrong. The hairline appears receding with sparse white hair making their mark amongst dense black ones, like bright comets in space. So, a profound thinker. Holds a local newspaper with ends of pages rolled off, appears to be a second-hand one, which someone left in bus. So, he’s unemployed, looking for govt. job. Further, he appears to be reading keenly details in the cine section. So, either a wanna-be actor or a black-ticket seller. There comes the phone call! The phone appears to have been in a state of coma with injuries all over its body, appears an old one, not even Nokia. Unemployment confirmed. Ring tone goes ‘Pyaarge aagbuTTaite…’. Definitely a sandalwood devotee. I peeped at the shoes. Shining and black. He’s appearing for an interview. Doesn’t handle his phone often for messaging, chatting etc. So, he doesn’t have a girlfriend which is quite axiomatic, given he’s jobless.

That was really cool. I was impressed with myself. I had put Holmes to shame with such less hints. I personally believe that you can know more about a person by his ring tone rather than actually speaking to him. I would not be surprised if somebody hosts a show on judging your personality, future etc. based on ring tones and caller tunes on the lines of tarot card reading, signature analysis, horoscope etc. I am also convinced time and again that the density of hair on the head is inversely proportional to the deep thinking power of man. If you start growing white hair, you’re growing intellectually. Fall of the hair brings wisdom, it uncovers the veil of ignorance and exposes the head to the bright light of wisdom. Although contrary cases are also true, but then what doesn’t have exceptions?

Whoever said ‘Never judge a person by his looks’ was probably ugly. On the contrary, ‘ugly’ is the new beauty now-a-days. Sandalwood wants to cast unattractive mortals like us, who are much closer to daily lives of the audience. Our hero here, appears not-so-good-looking and has a good chance at moviedom, if he nurtures his dancing skills well. Going by my intuitions, I feel he might be a profound thinker, badly in need of a job, yet supporting himself currently by selling tickets in black at theatres. Case closed.

 
After such a pleasing investigation, I had a feeling of a personal milestone achieved, a feeling like completing Special-Ops stage of Crysis at three star level. Now, the only part left was confession. But I still didn’t remember if I knew him. I started talking to him in a tone, as a cop busts a criminal in a hidden mask,

Me : “Do I know you? or Do u know me? You look quite familiar”
He : “Hmm.. I don’t see it..”
Me : “Did you do study at Mysore?”
He : “Yeah.. I faintly recollect.. I think you are.. X”
Me : “Oh.. You got near at last.. I’m Y.. X was supplier boy at our canteen..”

I got him. He was my age-old enemy. He always used to speak to me in such an insulting tone and drive me crazy. I had always hoped the worst for him and yet he came out flying and glee out of all my curses. I think I was not sincere and focused in my curses.

He : “Oh.. Sorry.. You both looked so similar!”

This was a blow in the face. What am I supposed to comment for this one? I hope he ends up as sales marketing intern of black tickets. I had to kick him back and take him off the hooks. I went for the kill.

Me : “So, how is life going on? what are you doing now-a-days?”
He : “Ah.. Its a long story how my life changed drastically..”

I expected it. I was smiling inside. Of course the change was drastic, from huge fan-following at college for academic guidance to fans of superstars and constables following him for tickets!

He : “I always had a flair for acting.. After I left college I was undecided on what path to choose.. to be an actor or be a sales manager after an MBA as my dad wanted me to be..”

See? I had hit the bull’s-eye! But frankly speaking, acting? He would only fit for one of those roles who would dance behind the hero imitating his steps in an awkward fashion. I dont understand why would they dance in the first place. Nobody pays for a ticket to watch them dance! Nobody even focuses on their expressions and yet they give hell lot of them as if they were the main cast. Yet it would be an aspiring career for my friend.

He : “I yielded to my father and did my MBA at Harvard and am working as Senior Sales Manager at Microsoft”

I told you I was bad at my curses, but did not know I was this bad. Seriously, some files might be misplaced in the repo up there. How else can you explain for a guy so wicked like him to end up so well while the one like me, so humble getting nowhere! But its rather strange for a dork holding such a position to have an attire like his. Might be one of his cunning tricks to show off his Indian-ness and middle-classy
humility.

Me : “Oh.. Good for you.. the bottom line is, you are not unemployed!”

That’s the best sarcasm I could come up with.

He : “So, what are you up to?”

My pride was at stake! I had to make up something or else will be humiliated as ever. Now I had a chance to realise my dreams. I will be what I wanted to be.

Me : “I’m working in NASA and am heading to Saturn next month to collect some samples and check if there’s any oil resources available there!”
He : “I haven’t heard of any such mission!”

Me : “Well its still on the cards, a secret operation! There are many, which laymen do not know.. For eg. I’m the chief investigating officer on whether Krypton is actually out there and if so, whats the birthplace of superman.. I’m not supposed to talk about it.. Infact I’ve to take leave back to NASA this afternoon.. I’ll get down next stop..”
He : “But, you’ve to go to BIAL.. can you make it?”

Me : “Don’t worry! I have a private plane waiting at home!”

The Coolness Guide

At one stage or the other, every civilized teenager faces this harsh reality where his fellow mates ridicule him for his not-so-cool behavior. The burning question that haunts these young souls is “How can I be cool?”

I’ve taken it as my personal responsibility to guide these coolness-seekers to achieve a high coolness index. Here I propose some of the basic rules and strategies which will guide you to a point where your friends comment on you, behind your back in low tone – “Cool!!”

1. Invariably use the sacred words like dude, bullshit (or even shit is acceptable), WTF!!, buddy etc. atleast once in every 2-3 sentences you speak. You can’t remain in peace by rehearsing these words and just using them. You’ll be kicked out the race even before you notice. You need to update yourself with the new words before they become accessible to nerds. Here are some tips to help you:

– Try to make someone studying in US as your online friend and keep chatting with them. Note down any new phrase and rehearse it. Understanding its usage is strictly prohibited. The more you ignore its meaning, higher will be your index.

– Subscribe to  http://www.urbandictionary.com/ and browse for new words. This is one great site which is doing yeoman service towards saving humanity from pointless simplicity.

–  Keenly notice your conversation with your cooler friends. If you find some word or phrase amusing, do NOT do the mistake of asking them. That will decrease your coolness level. Try to act as if you’d been using that since your KG.

2. Another measure of your coolness is the number of ‘friends’ you have in FB. Hence the ancient coolness gurus used to advice: “Have online account of yours in each and every social networking site. It doesn’t matter whether need them or not.” But the times have changed. After rigorous investigation and hardwork I’ve drawn an important conclusion: In earlier times Orkut was a mandatory requirement. But later FB caught up pace and a major drift of users was seen from Orkut to FB. I’ve termed this phenomenon as “The Great Drift“. Further I’ve put forward a theory  which states, “Every 3.75 years, the number of social networking sites increase 1.7 fold times and The Great Drift occurs”. The bottom line is, maintaining an account in Orkut even when FB is the Order of the day is considered less cooler. So, don’t keep a trace that you ever had an account,in networks which get older.

3. This one is a subtle but important point on your dressing. The first impression people get on seeing you plays a major role on your coolness index. Here are some tips:

– Do not apply traditional hair oil like parachute, such that it drips onto your shirt. Instead use cooler stuffs like set-wet, brylcream etc. such that others should never know that your head is lubricated. Also, keep close watch on current trends in hairstyle. Try to avoid ghajini, dhoni, or TZP hairstyles as they appear too local and limit you from reaching international coolness standards.

–  Full sleeve formal shirts, formal trousers, kolhapuri chappals, paragon chappals, gandhi topi, dhoti etc. and other traditional wear are strictly prohibited.

– AXE Deodorant, Reebok shoes/t-shirts, low waist jeans, Ray-ban goggles are a MUST. Be careful while choosing these products. Even a slight trick of buying a ‘Reebook’ shoe will cost you the banishment from the cool community and you’ll have to remain an outcast – ever!

4. This point is very important for future of your cool life. Be very wise in choosing real-time friends. Prefer esp. those who are less cooler than you. Because they look up to you as their role model and it gives immense pleasure to you. It has an added advantage of you setting up new coolness rules among your group. Some of the missions of this group would be:

– Must ridicule and talk sarcastically about non-members esp. those ones, whose personalities are opposite to those advised in Point3.

– The main target of the group must be geeks and nerds. New guidelines must be set up to ensure that they never can enter your group.

– The group members’ ears must always be plugged by earphones of ipod(or atleast cell phone). They must be well versed with all forms of western music.

– All members must strictly believe in the dont-care attitude and must talk carelessly about teachers, political leaders, Hollywood stars (talking about Bollywood would make you appear cheap) or any other person/incident of international fame.

Hope these guidelines help you reach higher zones of coolness.