Category Archives: Random Rants

The Tipping

[The below article is a random rant and is to be taken in a lighter vein]

Tips – The bribe we pay the waiter to not spit in our food.

Tipping is an interesting phenomenon. I’m very much curious to know how it all started. I mean, look at it. You need something. A person gives it to you. You pay the price of the thing to him. Then you pay him extra money for ‘giving’ it to him. The way we tip waiters, if it was not for hotel business, for any other profession it would amount to corruption.

“How much did that bald guy tip you?” “Let’s say I’d have a running nose the next time he comes”

Why should I pay you extra money? You did not prepare the food. Nor did you dress-up the food. It was already kept in kitchen you just carried it! We ourselves would’ve brought it, if it was not for the ‘No admission without permission’ board hung at its entrance. The intention of hanging it is to provide employment to you. The only thing you could be credited to is that you did not adulterate it.

“Can I have your order?” Yeah. If you could just stop fake smiling!

Also, what skill does it take? Oh I know you’d say “I have the menu at the tip of my tongue. I greet my customers with a contagious smile”. Really? Anyone who visits a hotel for a week would describe it’s menu along with each of its item’s taste and odor. Don’t get me started with the smile. Each muscle of the smile would be gauging the customer, “How much could this miser shell out?”. In this matter I would say, I would prefer dining a bad food with un-expecting face than a good food with a simper.

I would like to pay some money if I was convinced of even an iota of hard work displayed. But I see none. Holding a plate in hand, dividing food between friends and opening a bottle do not amount to work. I would consider them to be work if I’d done them at my home. I would be happy to tip the cleaning staff though, who actually clean up your mess and get much lower wages.

Come on. Get real. Don’t expect tips for your ‘hardwork’!

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The Rage

Rage – The emotion an employee displays when the employer says, he pays them well.

Have you ever felt raged?

Does your adrenaline rush throughout your body when you hear something unpleasant about your favorite political party, actor or team?

Do you feel it’s your moral responsibility to counter and dispel all the misconceptions people have and educate them of the absolute truth that you’ve access to?

Are you convinced that attacking is the best form of defense?

 

Hey stupid buffalo! Can’t you hear my honk?

Well, my friend you’re just normal. We’ve evolved from Stone Age, Iron Age so on and finally stepped into the Rage Age. Here, one constantly keeps searching for things to rage about in one’s daily life. Be it roads, air, food or anything. Literally anything. Although people, especially popular personalities form the favorite subjects many settle for even lesser mortal things. Gone are the ages when the wise used to say “There’s no black and white. All are shades of grey”. Not now! Everything today is either saffron or green. Nothing in between. This mutually exclusive favoritism is the fundamental postulate of the Rage Age.

During years of Indian independence or even before, scholars spent decades together to understand delicate intricacies of political, social and economic concepts. With the advent of Rage Age, men were also bestowed with this unique ‘Brahmagnyan’ which equips each one of us with the entire knowledge of the universe. This usually comes via a direct channel from God called the Internet. Just like God, how much you believe in this ‘gnyan’ is totally dependent on the unfathomable faith you have and India is known to be a land of theists. So, you can’t find anyone who’s not an expert. Everyone is. The only difference between two individuals is just how religious and rational one is.

Although knowledge or facts per se are available to all, it’s the opinion or the conclusion you draw out of it is what makes you a brand ambassador of the ‘truth’ you hold fast to. Long ago, opinions were the commodities of the intellectuals. A layman would feel ineligible to comment about any high-sounding topic due to his modest roots and ignorance.  We’ve bid adieu to this discrimination now. The basic principle on which our Age is thriving is, “Anyone can have opinions”. This has allowed us to discuss about things ranging from NASA’s curiosity to the solution to Kashmir problem. This freedom to talk bullshit about any random thing has given us a new found confidence. We no longer argue with each other about petty mundane things, we argue about bigger national and international problems.

In this Rage Age, many Masters have devised tools which make sure you can never lose an argument. Frankly, arguments are the mirrors to our personality. No matter if it’s the one you’ve concluded after thorough analysis or just a borrowed one. Here are some precious pointers to win any random argument. The trick lies in posing it at the right point in the argument.

“Why doing this now? Where were you when so and so happened?”

“How was it right then and wrong now? Your argument is totally motivated”

“You’ve been brain-washed! Come out of your illusion. Do you even know what the truth is?”

*Show some random survey or paper which is in line with your argument. If there’s none, create one*

“I’m free to opine. Who gave you the authority to ridicule mine?”

“Half-truths are the most dangerous my friend”

There’s no dearth of them. It only requires willingness on both sides to ensure the argument never reaches a logical conclusion, which is good. It gives more room for arguments and hence more communication and bonding between each other in this age of vacantly looking at LCD screens.

Did you have your dose of rage today?

In conclusion, I think in our tightly packed schedule of routine activities we hardly find time for anything. There no scope to express our irritation. This might have led to the birth of the Rage Age. So, don’t hold on! Follow what is the norm.

Go, vent out your rage today!

The Cricket Cheer

Cricket stadiums – The place where you can howl like a donkey and still be called sane.

Truly, stadiums are places packed with energy where people come in bizarre attires, face paints, banners and what not. While some seem funny, most are lame. The ticket that you get is not only to watch the match but a ticket to fulfill all your crazy fantasies and nobody judges you. Like these drop-men from Castrol who thought, somehow their leaky oil drops could cheer their team. Might be they had a far fetched point of subconsciously influencing drop-the-catch to the opposition.

Chaar boondon waala haan haan!

Keeping all these aside, I somehow don’t understand how cheer works. I mean I do understand that a batsman on ground hears a random noise and somehow guesses they’re singing in praise of him(?) At best it would be like the crowd noise we hear in EA Sports cricket game with occasional applause which too would rarely happen in Indian scenario. If the crowd noise is high, he’s supposed to be encouraged and play well? Else he would just continue with his routine no-so-great batting?

While the cheer itself is hard to crack, there are these enthusiastic, reasonable people waving posters of 4 or 6. Oh yes! Batsman glances around the stadium, sees these posters and concludes “I see more 4’s than 6’s. Mostly people want 4’s. I’ll stick to it”. If you want to boost your team to the fullest, isn’t 6 the right poster? Why would one wave 4? Do they want the team to under perform? While we’re at it why not wave 1’s, 2’s and 3’s? No idea Sirjee!

We Indians are biased in most things and cricket is no exception. If you carefully observe, the whole crowd is biased towards batsmen. Have you ever seen a poster waving LBW or BOWLED or CATCH IT? No. Nobody cares for bowlers or fielders. They need to toil but are not supposed to steal the thunder from the batsmen. They’re like those Ayurvedic tablets. We take them. Even if they work, we would not like to give them credit. Similar is the case with umpires. They’re always seen as dutiful while others are having fun on the field. Nobody cheers for them! I doubt they would get disappointed by un-encouraging audience at times and declare batsmen out at their whims and fancy.

Lastly I’d conclude by saying what Jerry once commented about crowd shouting at stadium

“We won! We won!”

No. You didn’t win. They won. You just saw them win!