Category Archives: Humor

The Tipping

[The below article is a random rant and is to be taken in a lighter vein]

Tips – The bribe we pay the waiter to not spit in our food.

Tipping is an interesting phenomenon. I’m very much curious to know how it all started. I mean, look at it. You need something. A person gives it to you. You pay the price of the thing to him. Then you pay him extra money for ‘giving’ it to him. The way we tip waiters, if it was not for hotel business, for any other profession it would amount to corruption.

“How much did that bald guy tip you?” “Let’s say I’d have a running nose the next time he comes”

Why should I pay you extra money? You did not prepare the food. Nor did you dress-up the food. It was already kept in kitchen you just carried it! We ourselves would’ve brought it, if it was not for the ‘No admission without permission’ board hung at its entrance. The intention of hanging it is to provide employment to you. The only thing you could be credited to is that you did not adulterate it.

“Can I have your order?” Yeah. If you could just stop fake smiling!

Also, what skill does it take? Oh I know you’d say “I have the menu at the tip of my tongue. I greet my customers with a contagious smile”. Really? Anyone who visits a hotel for a week would describe it’s menu along with each of its item’s taste and odor. Don’t get me started with the smile. Each muscle of the smile would be gauging the customer, “How much could this miser shell out?”. In this matter I would say, I would prefer dining a bad food with un-expecting face than a good food with a simper.

I would like to pay some money if I was convinced of even an iota of hard work displayed. But I see none. Holding a plate in hand, dividing food between friends and opening a bottle do not amount to work. I would consider them to be work if I’d done them at my home. I would be happy to tip the cleaning staff though, who actually clean up your mess and get much lower wages.

Come on. Get real. Don’t expect tips for your ‘hardwork’!

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The Rage

Rage – The emotion an employee displays when the employer says, he pays them well.

Have you ever felt raged?

Does your adrenaline rush throughout your body when you hear something unpleasant about your favorite political party, actor or team?

Do you feel it’s your moral responsibility to counter and dispel all the misconceptions people have and educate them of the absolute truth that you’ve access to?

Are you convinced that attacking is the best form of defense?

 

Hey stupid buffalo! Can’t you hear my honk?

Well, my friend you’re just normal. We’ve evolved from Stone Age, Iron Age so on and finally stepped into the Rage Age. Here, one constantly keeps searching for things to rage about in one’s daily life. Be it roads, air, food or anything. Literally anything. Although people, especially popular personalities form the favorite subjects many settle for even lesser mortal things. Gone are the ages when the wise used to say “There’s no black and white. All are shades of grey”. Not now! Everything today is either saffron or green. Nothing in between. This mutually exclusive favoritism is the fundamental postulate of the Rage Age.

During years of Indian independence or even before, scholars spent decades together to understand delicate intricacies of political, social and economic concepts. With the advent of Rage Age, men were also bestowed with this unique ‘Brahmagnyan’ which equips each one of us with the entire knowledge of the universe. This usually comes via a direct channel from God called the Internet. Just like God, how much you believe in this ‘gnyan’ is totally dependent on the unfathomable faith you have and India is known to be a land of theists. So, you can’t find anyone who’s not an expert. Everyone is. The only difference between two individuals is just how religious and rational one is.

Although knowledge or facts per se are available to all, it’s the opinion or the conclusion you draw out of it is what makes you a brand ambassador of the ‘truth’ you hold fast to. Long ago, opinions were the commodities of the intellectuals. A layman would feel ineligible to comment about any high-sounding topic due to his modest roots and ignorance.  We’ve bid adieu to this discrimination now. The basic principle on which our Age is thriving is, “Anyone can have opinions”. This has allowed us to discuss about things ranging from NASA’s curiosity to the solution to Kashmir problem. This freedom to talk bullshit about any random thing has given us a new found confidence. We no longer argue with each other about petty mundane things, we argue about bigger national and international problems.

In this Rage Age, many Masters have devised tools which make sure you can never lose an argument. Frankly, arguments are the mirrors to our personality. No matter if it’s the one you’ve concluded after thorough analysis or just a borrowed one. Here are some precious pointers to win any random argument. The trick lies in posing it at the right point in the argument.

“Why doing this now? Where were you when so and so happened?”

“How was it right then and wrong now? Your argument is totally motivated”

“You’ve been brain-washed! Come out of your illusion. Do you even know what the truth is?”

*Show some random survey or paper which is in line with your argument. If there’s none, create one*

“I’m free to opine. Who gave you the authority to ridicule mine?”

“Half-truths are the most dangerous my friend”

There’s no dearth of them. It only requires willingness on both sides to ensure the argument never reaches a logical conclusion, which is good. It gives more room for arguments and hence more communication and bonding between each other in this age of vacantly looking at LCD screens.

Did you have your dose of rage today?

In conclusion, I think in our tightly packed schedule of routine activities we hardly find time for anything. There no scope to express our irritation. This might have led to the birth of the Rage Age. So, don’t hold on! Follow what is the norm.

Go, vent out your rage today!

The Cricket Cheer

Cricket stadiums – The place where you can howl like a donkey and still be called sane.

Truly, stadiums are places packed with energy where people come in bizarre attires, face paints, banners and what not. While some seem funny, most are lame. The ticket that you get is not only to watch the match but a ticket to fulfill all your crazy fantasies and nobody judges you. Like these drop-men from Castrol who thought, somehow their leaky oil drops could cheer their team. Might be they had a far fetched point of subconsciously influencing drop-the-catch to the opposition.

Chaar boondon waala haan haan!

Keeping all these aside, I somehow don’t understand how cheer works. I mean I do understand that a batsman on ground hears a random noise and somehow guesses they’re singing in praise of him(?) At best it would be like the crowd noise we hear in EA Sports cricket game with occasional applause which too would rarely happen in Indian scenario. If the crowd noise is high, he’s supposed to be encouraged and play well? Else he would just continue with his routine no-so-great batting?

While the cheer itself is hard to crack, there are these enthusiastic, reasonable people waving posters of 4 or 6. Oh yes! Batsman glances around the stadium, sees these posters and concludes “I see more 4’s than 6’s. Mostly people want 4’s. I’ll stick to it”. If you want to boost your team to the fullest, isn’t 6 the right poster? Why would one wave 4? Do they want the team to under perform? While we’re at it why not wave 1’s, 2’s and 3’s? No idea Sirjee!

We Indians are biased in most things and cricket is no exception. If you carefully observe, the whole crowd is biased towards batsmen. Have you ever seen a poster waving LBW or BOWLED or CATCH IT? No. Nobody cares for bowlers or fielders. They need to toil but are not supposed to steal the thunder from the batsmen. They’re like those Ayurvedic tablets. We take them. Even if they work, we would not like to give them credit. Similar is the case with umpires. They’re always seen as dutiful while others are having fun on the field. Nobody cheers for them! I doubt they would get disappointed by un-encouraging audience at times and declare batsmen out at their whims and fancy.

Lastly I’d conclude by saying what Jerry once commented about crowd shouting at stadium

“We won! We won!”

No. You didn’t win. They won. You just saw them win!

Daily Prompt : INGREDIENT

I'm part of Post A Day 2014

What’s the one item in your kitchen you can’t possibly cook without? A spice, your grandma’s measuring cup, instant ramen — what’s your magic ingredient, and why?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us KITCHEN.

Onion. The magic ingredient without which recipe isn’t simply complete. I feel its the best vegetable invented by God. Onion symbolizes many things about life. Why else did Carl Sandburg say, “Life is an onion – you peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes cry”. Only the realized souls know the value of it.

Onion is such a distinguished and respected vegetable that a news source agency of US has honored it by naming itself The Onion. No doubt it has seen pretty good success and going strong given the love for even the name of it. Comparisons are wrong but I still need to do it, to bring out the distinction the onion has got among its peer vegetables. For example many might’ve heard about the famous film critic site Rotten tomatoes. The reason its hugely followed? because it’s ‘rotten’ tomatoes.

Have you had your onion today?

Like every good thing on this earth has critics, there are onion-haters for onions. I can’t imagine why someone can possibly dislike it. They’ve even gone to the extent of fabricating quotes on the lines of the famous saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” to “An onion a day keeps everyone away”.  Agreed! they cause bad breath. From when did breath become more important than health and life? Moreover there are plenty of toothpaste and commercial stuff which claim to fight bad breath. Use them. In fact studies even recommend to eat onion every day

Yeah. Onion makes you cry. Tell me some fruit which makes you laugh. None. Onion reminds you of the pains of life. Is there any other fruit or vegetable with these mysterious powers? Why did God bestow such powers to onion? Because its ‘special’. Long live onion!

________________

Daily Prompt : http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/09/daily-prompt-ingredients/

Image Source : http://thumbs.ifood.tv/files/imagecache/600×500/eat_onion_for_healthy_heart-159342.jpg

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Daily prompt : The IQ Measuring Gadget

I'm part of Post A Day 2014

You’ve been granted magical engineering skills, but you can only use them to build one gadget or machine. What do you build?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us MACHINES.

I would like an IQ measuring gadget. Yeah you heard it right. I do NOT want a time machine or an Iron man suit! I don’t understand what fascination people seem to have with these. I assume mostly its because they think its sort of cool to say it or just that, it’s the maximum scientific expertise they’ve been told of. Moreover time machine is paradoxical in itself and would cause chaos if becomes a reality. And Iron man suit. I have just one phrase for it. “Comics are for kids”.

                                   Let me test your IQ before you talk to me..

Coming back to IQ, I know you would say, “Why do you need a gadget for it? There are IQ tests for the same etc. etc.”. I don’t believe in these fabricated tests. Infact I’ve given such tests and was surprised to get a low score. Knowing truly well that I’m an intellectually gifted person, it proves beyond doubt that there can’t be any fixed test which can measure IQ. Firstly, it can be faked just like any psychological tests which say what your nature is. Secondly, the IQ of population together changes with time, geography, environment etc. For example, our forefathers who invented wheel might’ve thought they were the coolest dudes. But, with the awesome internet, Kinect and Google Glass we KNOW that we are the most advanced and the coolest ones.

Now, why would I need it? Why else? to know how intelligent a person is. Sometimes we deal with people whom we assume to be intelligent. But they are intelligent enough only to hide their foolishness. How does it help? It’s very important to judge people by their IQ before conversing. This has double advantage. Firstly, intelligence is a precious resource which needs to be spent wisely. Moreover who knows, IQ might not be an infinite resource. At least its not proven yet. Hence we ought to save it. We might end up spending it too much on foolish people and mumble for words while talking to intelligent people. Secondly, the prestige issue. We must choose our company and the hangout group wisely too. Being with people higher than your IQ might reduce the your prominence. On the other hand being with too foolish people might make you appear fool yourself. So, its very important to choose a group with slightly lower IQ than you in order to remain a star of your troop. Its like the famous dialogue in Julius Caesar play, “I would prefer to at top among mediocres than at bottom among intellectuals”.

____________________

Daily Prompt : http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/07/daily-prompt-machines/

Image Source : https://manjunathkulkarni.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/d2f7e-head-measurer.jpg

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Daily Prompt: These Clothes Won’t Arrange Themselves

I'm part of Post A Day 2014

What’s the household task you most dislike doing? Why do you think that is — is it the task itself, or something more?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us HOME.

Every household chore has a peculiar similarity. They are boring and nobody likes doing them. Its the same thing you ought to do over and over and over again every single day of your life! and you are not even paid for it!

But today I’ll focus the task related to clothes. Its a problem in itself at many different levels. I believe it requires a special skill  to maintain a clean and tidy wardrobe with well arranged clothes. Firstly, let me give an insight into the classification of clothes which forms the elementary part of our discussion.

Brand-new : Clothes bought and not even worn once. Clothes in this category gives a mental satisfaction that at least you have something to wear may a sudden situation arise.
New : These are the ones worn more than once but never washed. A difficult decision to make is to decide when it becomes ‘necessarily’ ready for its first wash.
Never-gonna-wear : These are the ones you’ve never worn and might not even wear in this life. The tricky part is you don’t feel to donate or throw it nor feel to wear it. The haunting question is, why did you buy it in the first place? Thats a mysterious well-structured conspiracy by all fabric manufacturers to fool us into buying these stuff.
Is-there-anything-better : This is the group which is always found lying helplessly crying to picked up. Everytime you see it, “Its fine but, is there anything better?”
Always-gonna-wear : This is the set which always is found covering you. Everytime you open your wardrobe and this is the set which pleases you. No matter how old or dirty it is, its a star to your eyes.
Ready-to-be-donated : This category includes all the old, cheaply gifted or presented-from-your-enemy kind of clothes which deserve to be donated and have no place in your cabinet. Yet it somehow lies there for years together capturing space of more deserving ones.  

Classifying them is least of the problems. The greatest dilemma to me is, how to recognize if a cloth is clean or unclean and at what pace this transition occurs. The cloth I’m wearing and watching daily seems to be ultra clean to me while onlookers complain of it. I console myself by concluding, clothes worn by anyone else seems dirtier than your own; which perfectly synchronizes with my impression of others dressing.

Placing them in cabinet is another ardent task. There always are clothes which form the bottom abyss layer where nothing penetrates for months together. Only the ones at top layers see the movement like the waves over sea. Gradually due to daily usage, chaos sets in and the arranged, well-ordered set becomes a pile of fabric. Slowly you lose a sense of, to which category this cloth fits in? is it new, old, washed, unwashed, mine or others’? Given the frantic lives of ours, we are forced to randomly pick up a set and be on the go. It seems a simple issue at surface but degrades our prestige and orderliness on a day-to-day basis.

clothes

I’m surprised why people haven’t come up with ideas to solve this problem. It forms a viable money-making venture for all you entrepreneurs out there. I even have a detailed plan to help consumers as well as capitalists. Why can’t we have stores just like banks to store our money? People give their clothes which can be well arranged and maintained by these cloth-banks. Whenever you just need walk-in and pick your own clothes and give them back after use. It might seem ridiculous, but this is how ATMs work right? It removes all the unnecessary burden of maintenance of clothes from our lives and saves precious time of ours to be spent in more useful tasks like playing computer games, watching TV series etc. I hope someone takes cue  from my advice and comes up with a plan to solve this perennial problem facing the civilized world!

__________________

Inspired by Daily Prompt : http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/06/daily-prompt-home-2/

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