The Coolness Guide

At one stage or the other, every civilized teenager faces this harsh reality where his fellow mates ridicule him for his not-so-cool behavior. The burning question that haunts these young souls is “How can I be cool?”

I’ve taken it as my personal responsibility to guide these coolness-seekers to achieve a high coolness index. Here I propose some of the basic rules and strategies which will guide you to a point where your friends comment on you, behind your back in low tone – “Cool!!”

1. Invariably use the sacred words like dude, bullshit (or even shit is acceptable), WTF!!, buddy etc. atleast once in every 2-3 sentences you speak. You can’t remain in peace by rehearsing these words and just using them. You’ll be kicked out the race even before you notice. You need to update yourself with the new words before they become accessible to nerds. Here are some tips to help you:

– Try to make someone studying in US as your online friend and keep chatting with them. Note down any new phrase and rehearse it. Understanding its usage is strictly prohibited. The more you ignore its meaning, higher will be your index.

– Subscribe to and browse for new words. This is one great site which is doing yeoman service towards saving humanity from pointless simplicity.

–  Keenly notice your conversation with your cooler friends. If you find some word or phrase amusing, do NOT do the mistake of asking them. That will decrease your coolness level. Try to act as if you’d been using that since your KG.

2. Another measure of your coolness is the number of ‘friends’ you have in FB. Hence the ancient coolness gurus used to advice: “Have online account of yours in each and every social networking site. It doesn’t matter whether need them or not.” But the times have changed. After rigorous investigation and hardwork I’ve drawn an important conclusion: In earlier times Orkut was a mandatory requirement. But later FB caught up pace and a major drift of users was seen from Orkut to FB. I’ve termed this phenomenon as “The Great Drift“. Further I’ve put forward a theory  which states, “Every 3.75 years, the number of social networking sites increase 1.7 fold times and The Great Drift occurs”. The bottom line is, maintaining an account in Orkut even when FB is the Order of the day is considered less cooler. So, don’t keep a trace that you ever had an account,in networks which get older.

3. This one is a subtle but important point on your dressing. The first impression people get on seeing you plays a major role on your coolness index. Here are some tips:

– Do not apply traditional hair oil like parachute, such that it drips onto your shirt. Instead use cooler stuffs like set-wet, brylcream etc. such that others should never know that your head is lubricated. Also, keep close watch on current trends in hairstyle. Try to avoid ghajini, dhoni, or TZP hairstyles as they appear too local and limit you from reaching international coolness standards.

–  Full sleeve formal shirts, formal trousers, kolhapuri chappals, paragon chappals, gandhi topi, dhoti etc. and other traditional wear are strictly prohibited.

– AXE Deodorant, Reebok shoes/t-shirts, low waist jeans, Ray-ban goggles are a MUST. Be careful while choosing these products. Even a slight trick of buying a ‘Reebook’ shoe will cost you the banishment from the cool community and you’ll have to remain an outcast – ever!

4. This point is very important for future of your cool life. Be very wise in choosing real-time friends. Prefer esp. those who are less cooler than you. Because they look up to you as their role model and it gives immense pleasure to you. It has an added advantage of you setting up new coolness rules among your group. Some of the missions of this group would be:

– Must ridicule and talk sarcastically about non-members esp. those ones, whose personalities are opposite to those advised in Point3.

– The main target of the group must be geeks and nerds. New guidelines must be set up to ensure that they never can enter your group.

– The group members’ ears must always be plugged by earphones of ipod(or atleast cell phone). They must be well versed with all forms of western music.

– All members must strictly believe in the dont-care attitude and must talk carelessly about teachers, political leaders, Hollywood stars (talking about Bollywood would make you appear cheap) or any other person/incident of international fame.

Hope these guidelines help you reach higher zones of coolness.


4 thoughts on “The Coolness Guide

  1. Ha ha…..nice one…..But I still dont understand was this your guidelines to those who want to become cool or the sarcasm about the so called COOLness.

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